I love you Lilly
by sun lit night
Summary: Severus Snape only ever loved one woman from the day he laid eyes on her, but he ruined everything by making to wrong choices... or did he?  What I wish happened between Snape and Lilly
1. Insight

It always seemed to be from a distance now, the only glimpses he caught, the brief moments he allowed himself to long for that which he had been forbidden to have. At a distance he could gaze, unnoticed and undisturbed and he liked to think that caught her looking back sometimes, a stolen moment when their eyes met, she'd always turn away quickly but with a smile. That small half smile he loved so much, there in a second gone the next. Sometimes he thought he was imagining those moments but even if he was he would take it and cling to it, anything to fuel the slight glimmer of hope he had he would take and cling to forever if he had to. She was worth every moment he spent thinking about her and so much more.

It shouldn't have made her smile like it did when she saw him watching her like that, but it did. Every time he was around she knew that he was watching her and she tried as hard as she could not to look back because it always made her remember the person he really was under the label that had been forced upon him through these horrid school cliques, she'd remember and she'd smile, he'd notice and he'd smile too. He had such a cute smile, it was so awkward and uncertain just like the real him but he hardly ever smiled at all. It wouldn't have been surprising if she were the only one to ever have seen that smile but that only made her feel even more special. He had a way of making her feel special, even when they weren't talking like now, just the way he watched her, not in a creepy way… in his way, a way that made her feel warm and nice just to know that someone really cared.

"Oy! Sniveluss" James and Sirius came running down the corridor feet slapping the stone tiles echoing painfully in Severus's head. He looked quickly around hoping to find some place to duck away but they were there already on either side of him grinning like Cheshire cats and panting from the run.

"Snivels, we were wondering," James said as they began knocking Severus between them nudging him from James to Sirius with every step. "Did you know that you stare at Evans… like a lot?"

"Like a hell of a lot!" Sirius added giving Severus a particularly hard shove.

"Well if that were true, which I'm not saying it is, but if it were, the only way you would know that is if you were starring at me 'like a lot'" He did a crude imitation of James and ducked out from between the pair quickly mid step so that James shoved into Sirius instead.

"Ah Severus m'boy, I was hoping to run into you today!" With uncharacteristically expert timing professor Slughorn came waddling around the corner happily. "You see Fiona Macmillan, one of the sixth year slytherins is having a little trouble with some of the more basic potions, I was wondering if you would consider tutoring her, I know she's a little older than you but n doubt you could handle the seventh year work with your skill, and it really is only the basics that she needs some help with. I'd do it myself but finding the time amongst my lessen and our little …" He looked at James and Sirius curiously "Our little events," He settled for after confirming they weren't 'slug club' members "It's rather difficult if you follow" Severus smiled happily.

"Of course professor, I'm honored that you'd think of me and anything that makes your job easier I'm glad to do." Slughorn was the only teacher Severus could stand, he seemed more patient and willing to take the time to understand than the other teachers, if you showed talent in transfiguration you were left to get on with it whilst the remedial people got all of the attention, Slughorn was different, he recognized talent and the lack of it in James Potter, he had clear favorites and Severus's natural talent had landed him a spot amongst Slughorns most prized few, second only to Lilly Evans

"Very good, be in my office at about six tonight, were going to have a little get together and I've invited miss Macmillan along, though I doubt it will be a permanent arrangement." With a wink he turned to leave but ended up spinning in a full circle. "Oh could you see if Lilly is free? I have been unable to find her and I would hate for her to miss out, tell her I'm off to Hogsmeade before tonight to pick up a few fancies." Again he winked and this time didn't turn back as he floated off down the corridor emerald robes billowing behind like a small dragon.

"Aww, I hate to disappoint you Snivelton but Evans wont be there tonight" James waited until Slughorn was out of earshot before rounding on Severus everything from his expression to his tone mocking.

"Oh, and why is that?" Severus couldn't help it, he knew it was what James wanted but he was to curious to walk away.

"She has a date," He messed his hair and flicked his color "With me" He grinned clearly not expecting Severus to burst into laughter.

"What are you finding so funny Snivelpus?" Sirius snapped pulling out his wand and brandishing it threateningly.

"I'm sorry… well no I'm not but…" Severus could barley get the words out through the gasps of laughter "…but Lily pick a date with you… over one of Slughorns parties?" He had to take a minute to catch his breath and right himself, "I knew you were dumb potter but not that dumb, those parties are more compulsory than detention to her, especially the private ones like tonight will be, she wouldn't turn it down for all the gold in Gringots." Suddenly Severus was being slammed into a wall.

"Really? And what would a sour grape Slytherin know about what a Gryffindor would and wouldn't to hmm? You're a worthless good-for-nothing scum bag Snivelsnuf." James came right up to Severus, their faces just inches apart. "You don't have a chance with her so why don't you go crawl back into your slytherin hole and give her up to a real man."

"What's going on?" James jumped back like he'd been stung and Sirius dropped his wand relieving Severus of the curse that had had him pinned to the wall. Lilly stood there tapping her foot impatiently arms folded tight across her chest eyes darting from each boy suspiciously.

"James here was telling me about your date tonight" Severus said when it looked like the other two had turned mute, yet James looked ready to take Severus out there and then for opening his mouth.

"The date I hadn't agreed to!" Lily snapped and Severus couldn't resist a triumphant smile that James didn't miss either.

"Oh come on Evans, it's just one date. What's the worst that could happen?"

"She could miss Slughorns party tonight." Lilys eyes lit up at the mention of a slug club party and Severus enjoyed watching James become invisible to her for the time being.

"Tonight? Why haven't I been told already?"

"Oh you know what he's like, says he'd been looking for you but he probably looked in the great hall whilst he ate and in the corridors that took him back to his office. I ran into him just now, he was on his way to hogsmeade for supplies." He knew he had her at the joke about Slughorns lack of effort, but he had to keep going just so that he could be sure to rub it in James's face, his worst enemy being rejected once again by the same girl.

"He's going to Hogsmeade? Oh I wonder what he'll bring back this time!" Slughorn had some links down in Hogsmeade and it was a well known fact among the Slug club that he liked t opick up the odd thing down there whenever he went alone. A new sample not yet released in Honeydukes of Zonkos, a rare bird or plant that he was 'caring for' for an 'old friend', some fascinating magical object like the hat that had made you turn your favorite color and Irish dance in mid air, he'd even been known to bring back an old friend every now and then. He was an odd old man but that was part of what they loved about him.

"Just as long as he doesn't bring us another ghost choir!" Severus laughed and Lilly joined him.

"Oh do you remember the mandrake?" The mandrake that couldn't scream, instead it sang soul music, how could he forget.

"As nice as this is," James interrupted and both Lily and Severus turned to him with the same 'what are you doing here' look, the one they used to give petunia whenever she turned up and jumped in on one of their conversations. "What about our date Lily?" he did a very convincing wounded look that made Severus want to Sectumsempra him right there and then.

"some other time maybe" Lily said passively but just the fact that she was saying they would date at some point felt like a troll club slamming into Severus, He would rather face and army of dementors than lose Lily to James potter.

"It's a date then and I'm holding you to that." She missed the look that James give Severus as eh said that, the look of conquest knowing that he had done what Severus didn't have the nerve to do, ask her out. But just the thought of her sating no was enough to crush his soul, never mind the possibility of it actually happening. He'd probably have to pitch himself from the astronomy tower, or maybe annoy the mere people a lot, or walk into the den of the Acrumantula, or find a way to combine them all, just to cover the pain that her rejection would cause, and that was just when she did it in his head, Merlin forbid it in person!


	2. Where we went wrong

He would remember that night for such a long time after. In the years that would come to pass, when he was tortured continuously by Lilly and James, he would remember that night as the last time she was his. It was his own fault, he had always been so closed off from the world, right through childhood he'd taken himself away from anything that involved social interaction, but she brought him you, called him from his own world and into the harsh sting of reality. She made him a person and insisted that other people see the man he really was. She seemed determined to prove to the world that he wasn't bitter and closed as so many believed but in truth he was, that's exactly what he was to anyone other than her. His show of social behavior earlier had put it into her mind that he was becoming what she thought he should be, and the fact that it had been in front of James and Sirius made her that much prouder but she didn't understand, to him that was one of the biggest mistakes he could have made and he would pay for it later. The thought of the mocking and jeering he would face for showing that he had a nice side was what drove him back into himself, what was achievement to her was torturous damnation to him. He would remember that slug club party for so long because it was after that their friendship fell at the hand of James potter.

**Snapes POV**

As predicted the 'fun' continued and got worse, but Lilly couldn't see it, she only saw the boyish smile that James would flash as he hung me up by the ankle, my own spells used in endless torture. A toerag she called him, said that she'd rather date the giant squid than him but she did it anyway.

I could see the way she looked at him and I wanted to make her understand how that made me feel, the moment the word mudblood left my mouth I knew what I'd done, I'd become what I swore I wouldn't. I had made her hurt like she was hurting me but the pain I felt hadn't been caused on purpose like the pain I inflicted. I hated myself because she hated me. Our friendship disappeared, but I never stopped loving her. It was only and could only ever be her. I made my friends and she made hers which only threw us further apart but I still watched her, whenever I could my eyes found her and however brief the moment I was happy, sometimes I think I caught her looking back and that smile, always that half smile that disappeared before you even knew it was there. I liked to think that it was for me. Because she knew, maybe even felt the same way, I liked to pretend that she wasn't dating that imbecile James like she swore she never would but it wasn't the truth. She'd picked him over me in the end and I had just become a background guy, story of my life.

**Lilly's POV**

Mudblood. It was what I was, muggle born, and proud. But the word, he knew I hated that word, if he'd called me every name under the sun magical and none I would have understood, he was a sucker for tradition and liked to uphold the slithering Gryffindor rivalry, but to call me a mudblood was beyond upholding appearance, it was sheer cruelty and he knew it. The look of horror in his own eyes was enough to tell me that. He broke something that day, at the time I didn't know what but it was gone and I didn't think it could ever be fixed.

If the truth be told I started dating James out of spite. He kept looking at me and whenever I gaught him it made me smile even if only a slight and brief smile it made me hate myself. He was one of them, friends with Rosier and part of that foul git Malfoy's gang. The older boy had quite a following amongst Slytherins and the odd Ravenclaw but they were all from a pureblood line. Their acceptance of Sev, a half-blood was strange, but then again he'd told me about his mother being of one of the most powerful wizarding families to date so maybe it wasn't. But just the fact that he would turn to them as friends showed how little I must have meant to him, they spared no joke at my expense, the little Gryffindor mudblood and it was no secret that they were into the dark arts. I realized that the thing he broke that day by the lake was my heart when I overheard Peter and Sirius laughing about him, how unlike James he accepted rejection. But it what they didn't get was that it wasn't I who rejected him but he who rejected me. The minute he'd said the word he had cast aside our friendship as though it were nothing more than the dregs left in a cauldron. I'd loved him once and he had thrown it in my face.

It was only when I realized how I'd felt for him that what he'd done and was still doing sunk in. So I started dating James, the one thing that I knew would get to him. Me hand in hand with his worst enemy.


End file.
